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I saw your mother take your tiny hand whilst standing at the shore.

I watched you laugh at the waves splash upon your toes, whilst and ocean of tears fell from my eyes.

You’ll never know how much I love you and how I wish you could have always stayed mine.

Transported back, the size of your hand gripped around my thumb, the length of your legs and your perfect heart shaped jaw.

You needed to be safe, fed and warm taken from any possible harm and given chances I could never provide.

I saw how much you love your mummy.

If you ever know, I pray that you forgive me and hope you understand.

I will always be your mother, even if I can no longer hold your hand.

I’ll be here back stage, watching from the side

I can’t go out there with you, I don’t know the lines

You’ll perform just perfectly, without me front and centre

Go break a leg, enjoy your show, I’ll keep watching till the curtain falls

A knock, the smallest of cracks, you’d never know they were there. You fill the vase with fresh cut flowers and pour the water in, slowly it seeps out through the base. You don’t notice at first, the flowers, still fresh, hold their bloom. The next day you come down the stairs, you pity the drooping flowers, pour in fresh water, with the hope to give renewed life. It slowly leaves, through the crack that was made when everything was perfectly in bloom. 

Every name is called a noun,

As field and fountain, street and town.

In place of noun the pronoun stands,

As he and she can clap their hands.

The adjective describes a thing,

As magic wand or bridal ring.

The verb means action, something done,

As read and write and jump and run.

How quickly things are done the adverbs tell,

As quickly, slowly, badly, well.

The preposition shows relation,

As in the street or at the station.

Conjunctions join, in many ways,

Sentences, words, or phrase and phrase.

The interjection cries out, “Hark!

I need an exclamation mark!”

Article from Jason Elsom

Twitter & Pinterest

If you were mine I’d love you for all my years

You’d never need another

I’d hold you every night whilst you sleep

Share my darkest fears and deepest secrets for you to keep

Your hand in mine forever

If you were mine

I’m not in a rush to immediately change anything. I think I finally understand what all those “bullshit” Instagram posts are about – feel the moment, the past is the past you can’t change it, the future is the future and you can’t predict it, right now is all you have, the present is a gift… Blah Blah Blah – #YAWN

I have Cattfish & The Bottlemen blaring at 22:04 my children are at their Fathers, I have opened a rather expensive bottle of red wine, which I don’t appear to be savouring – or maybe I am, I just don’t realise it.

I have been thinking recently about the last two years, who has come, gone and stayed in my life, and what I’ve learnt from the first one(s);

Person Number 1 and maybe 2:

Let’s be honest; if I could go back and talk to myself about this one (albeit my previous statement, the past is the past etc etc) I would go and have a little chit chat and tell me to get out sooner! Cue manic laughter and head in hands!

However, that said, I learnt something from this total shitshow of a relationship. I learnt that I wasn’t ready for one.

That what I was crying out for was to be loved, put first, wanted, needed, worth it, and that I needed comfort and someone that I could always, no matter what rely on.

I realise at this point I seem unfair.  This is what I FELT, what I FELT was missing from my previous relationships, from me. That does not mean that the other people in those relationships were not giving me everything that they could.

I was watching some shit on TV (which I never do) and I was “enlightened” (I’m aware I sound like a total wanker)

If you’re a Barrel of Love, you give your all, and your all is…..  Barrels and Barrels full of love, empathy, friendship, care and support. However, if you’re with someone that gives  Pint sized, then all the love, friendship, care and support that they are capable of giving is Pint sized. This is absolutely fine!!!!!  IF they are with someone who is also a Pint because they fill the other person and their all is more than enough. But one Pint cannot fill a barrel. If you’re a barrel you need a barrel full of love, friendship, care and support in order to be able to feel it, to feel full.

What was missing from my past relationships, for me,  was someone in my corner, cheering me on from the side lines, telling me that I could do it, that the struggles would be worth it, that life is hard and when you have a broken heart you need someone to pick up all the tiny shards and slowly piece it all together, to make your heart and soul whole again, to love you Barrel loads…

That person is you, was me, yourself, myself, YOU, ME! I was that person. No-one can do that for you no one person could do that for me. It is not the responsibility of someone else to fix me. Especially if that person (Person Number 1 and maybe 2) is also broken.

Through this relationship, and a couple of constants in my life (who never get a mention or anywhere near enough thanks) I learnt that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought, that even though I sometimes feel that I tore my own heart out, I made the right choices the year before, That although I was broken (and always will be a little) the broken parts let the light in. Piece by piece (with A LOT! of help) I have put myself back together. If I had not been shattered, I wouldn’t have this new imperfect version of whole, that I am so totally in love with.

A torrent of emotion, I can barely contain, unspoken at the tip of my tongue.

DO NOT let it escape.

What good comes from sharing pain?

Nothing can change.

Maybe we’re okay. Maybe I don’t need anymore than you’re able to give me right now in this moment. I’m happy, I’ve realised that these last few weeks. Yes I have moments of loneliness and I miss my friends, I’ve suffered with anxiety and “I can’t do this” moments along with tears and sleepless nights. However as I sit here, in the sunshine, looking at the garden I have (finally)had time to enjoy, in a rare moment of solitude. I am happy, on my own, with my life and maybe we’re okay, maybe I don’t need you.